We all love our space. Being independent is healthy. But how do you know when space grows into a void, or you’re spending too much time apart? When is giving or asking for space the beginning of the end of the relationship?
Time apart is a vague term and how much you need or the other person needs is personal. These are subjective calls yet there are warning signs to watch for, and being honest with your own feelings is paramount when figuring it out.
I love my alone time, as long as it doesn’t last too long.
When my husband has to travel for work, I secretly love it. In fact, sometimes when the hubby heads to the airport, there is a tiny bit of celebrating in my head as I plan to binge favorite TV shows like Love Is Blind (which I know he would hate) and favorite pastas or soups to cook that are heavy on the garlic (his least favorite ingredient). But at the end of about three nights I am ready for us to reunite.
What I realize on day three is that life with him in my orbit is way more fun and meaningful than life without him in my company. We live and work about 30 feet down the hall from each other, which means we get to have breakfast, lunch and dinner together most days. I actually prefer it that way.
Independence is Healthy, but How Much is too Much?
When I heard this @valgenra talking about how even new couples need their space, it made sense. You don’t have to be married for decades to want your time apart. In fact you may need it even more in the beginning as you get used to being a “we” as opposed to a “me.” She makes an argument for independence and not being joined at the hip. But how much space is too much space? The answer is simple. If one of you feels neglected or hurt, then the issue has to be addressed.
That means if the two of you have a standing date night and you or your significant other blows it off (once or numerous times) or fails to make the effort to travvel to where you are in along-distance relationship, or if one person is always making the plans for the next fun thing to do together, whether it’s dinner or a trip, then the balance may have shifted from healthy breathing room to distance that can’t be bridged. It’s about how you feel about the space you’re being given.
Is Someone Feeling Hurt or Abandoned?
If you’re feeling insecure or like someone is not paying anough attention, that may be a signal that you need to discuss guidelines for how much time you want to spend apart. Suggestion. Ask yourself what would make you happier: More time together? Quicker responses to your texts? Expressing love and affection, or telling you that you look pretty or that your outfit is a winner? Whatever it is, you are entitled to get what you want from your relationship.
Since everyone has their own personal tolerance for “space” and what it means to be independent, there is no hard and set rule on how many nights together or apart are right for you. It’s a feeling.
On the flip side, you may be the one giving space and getting some pushback from your honey. If your SO is saying: “I feel like I don’t get to see you enough, “or a version of, “Let’s spend more time, just us two,” and this makes you cringe, then that should tell you something. Giving space and taking space is healthy, unless it means you really wished you had your own apartment or a significant time apart.
Bottom Line: Be honest about what you’re feeling. If you want a Grand Canyon of space between you, figure out why, and whether the things that are bugging you can be fixed. If your honey is taking more space and ghosting, even after you’ve had a conversation about it, there may be more at work than just healthy independence. As in every relationship, the root word is relate. And the key to “relating” is to communicate. So keep talking and figure it out.
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