This helpful advice is from Julie Lilien and Susan Rose, two matchmakers (and friends) who work together to find dates – and ultimately love matches – for clients who value their discretion and highly curated services, through the company that Susan founded called Susan Rose Matchmaker.
Unlike dating apps or other matchmaking platforms out there, the longtime friends act more like your best friends, who just happen to know exactly who to set you up with, and usually choose someone they think you’d really like.
Their caveat: Give love a chance. Don’t be so quick to judge someone by their resume, their looks or their first-date antics. They may be nervous or uneasy. Give it another date, and see what happens and if you’re enjoying yourself, keep going.
For their services, check out their Facebook page, and for more one-on-one therapy sessions about relationship issues, personal or family matters such as divorce, dating, new relationships, aging parents, job transitions and other life milestones, contact Julie Lilien Life Coaching.
- What advice would you give your younger self? (Something personal or based on your life.)
JULIE: “I would have advised my younger self to give some of the men I dated more of a chance, especially men who I may have ‘let go’ too soon. I dated some real quality men, but I was a little cynical back then, and I didn’t have a broad view about the future or the vision to think about what I needed or what these men had to offer.
“I also may have reminded myself not to be too serious and focused on my career, since it limited me from meeting a wide range of men! I just happened to meet the man who became my husband because a friend kept bringing him back around to see me. I wasn’t really focused on dating!
“So I would tell younger people to be conscious of who they’re dating and what their goals are. Sometimes we have heard from clients who feel they ‘missed the boat.’ Their friends are all married and having children and they are still single.”
- What is the most common issue facing women that you hear about in your practice as a therapist or matchmaker?
SUSAN: “Women get stuck in a preconceived notion of their ideal mate, or they get stuck on the resume of a potential partner, even when they haven’t had much experience with a serious relationship! A resume is not an indicator of qualities that make for a good relationship.
“Instead of looking at a resume, look at whether their dysfunctional traits and your dysfunctional traits compliment each other!”
“What we say (with some humor) is that instead of looking at a resume, look at whether their dysfunctional traits and your dysfunctional traits compliment each other! Can you two work together, and even make the two of you healthier and stronger as a team? Forget the resume!”
JULIE: “In my own [therapy] practice, I see a lot of women struggling with self esteem and self worth issues. I think it’s because as women , we are expected to actually do it all, ‘bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan,’ and still be feminine, sexy and available. It’s not easy and it causes a lot of stress and anxiety issues.”
SUSAN: “Older women feel like men don’t have time for them, or ask questions to really get to know them. But in general people are so consumed with immediate gratification and jumping ahead to ‘What’s next?’ that they have trouble staying in the moment. They are in a rush to evaluate the first interactions on a date, they immediatly make a decision.”
The best daters are not the best maters! We pre-judge people based on physical appearance and first impressions, but is that going to get us what we want?
“We advise our clients that if you have one or more things in common and have a good time, then go out again. The best daters are not the best maters! We pre-judge people based on physical appearance and first impressions, but is that going to get us what we want?
“Think about someone you met, maybe a friend, and had the wrong impression of at the start. Then months later you realized they were quite different than what you thought. People have many layers and often don’t show themselves until they get to know you.”
“Is it about finding the one? Knowing who is the one? Or is it about enjoying a better quality of relationship once you are in it?”
3. What advice do you give to someone who is struggling with that question?
SUSAN: “There is no such thing as the one. Let’s debunk that myth. It is a fairytale. Relationships are built on trust and giving, and mutual interests and respect. Most importantly, compromising on the things that don’t matter.”
JULIE: “Unless you’re happy with yourself you won’t find a healthy relationship. We often coach women who are struggling with these issues to really step back and examine themselves. This may mean therapy or taking a dating break. And also understanding what a partner will give you. (And what someone can’t!)
“What are the healthy things you need? What can you live without? What can’t you live without (such as being told “I love you” on a regular basis. What annoying traits or habits can you live with? Some people know they have deal breakers but when they meet the right partner, they surprise themselves by giving way on certain things. What is your love language?
- You say falling out of love too soon is a trap. What does that mean? Why is it bad? What if you’re just not feeling it?
SUSAN (left): “We feel that people “fall out of love” when they don’t give that person a chance to ever fall in love in the first place. As we said above, sometimes we can fall in love with the idea of a person or a date – but not want to do the work that’s involved in having a relationship.
JULIE (right): “Dating can be easy for some people, hard for others, but it is what everyone goes through to find a partner. How we approach dating – and having a positive mindset – is crucial to finding the right match. I work with people in my life coaching practice on these issues.”
- What advice do you give to someone who says, “I will never find what I’m looking for” — in a relationship or life goals? Or what if they say: “I am bailing on my relationship!” When you think they should try harder to make it work?
JULIE: “I will never find” is more about what’s missing in ourselves and not what we can’t find in someone else. Everyone can find someone. Sometimes our clients have such dating fatigue that we would advise them to take some time off. We would have them write down what they think are missing or need to work on within themselves. Why are they attracting the type of person that is not good for them. (For example, withholding your emotions, when you actually need a lot of attention.)
SUSAN: If someone is “bailing on a relationship” we would ask them why they feel this way. Sometimes this may turn out to be the best decision. But other times there may be ways to improve on your relationship. It may be difficult to make time to communicate in a real way with our partner, especially when everyone is living busy lives and we are distracted by our commitments (to work, to kids, to the gym, or friends).
5.How do you help others see their own role in the patterns that keep them stuck or making the same mistake in relationships over and over again?
SUSAN: “We get stuck in a pattern that may not be working, but we don’t know how to change it. As time goes on and it gets harder to shift. Patterns and learned behaviors are established in most of us very early on, and they translate into our relationships. We may attract exactly what we are trying to avoid.
“One recent example that I saw was the adult daughter of an angry, depressive father, and this woman. continually chooses angry or depressed men because that is familiar to her. But she doesn’t like it, it’s just what she knows.
“Even when she thinks she is choosing a different type and is aware of her pattern, the same type may be attracted to her, because she is attracting him by her words and actions, or because she only knows how to be in that type of relationship. Most of the time we don’t repeat these kinds of patterns on purpose. But it’s the type of love we know.”
JULIE “In a case like this, we would encourage our client to go get professional help. And once she was ready, we would help her start dating men who are outside her comfort zone. She needs to start to have a connection with a more evolved partner, even though she may not be attracted to him at first. She thinks she needs someone with ‘more edge’ when actually what she needs is someone who will nurture and care for her.
“Many times, with continual coaching and her own self work, a client such as this will have success. When the Aha! light goes on it means that she was able to break her own pattern to have a new type of relationship that is satisfying long-term. Our success stories come from clients who are open to working towards the goal of valuing themselves and finding a healthy relationship that breaks old patterns.
6. How do you figure out the right advice to offer someone given their situation? Do you have any go to fallback approaches that seem to work most of the time? Are there some truisms about relationships that apply to just about everyone?
SUSAN: “In any relationship, we say Believe in yourself and feel confident in your own skin. If you don’t feel this way, then maybe it’s time to get help or try something new.
“No one person is alike, but people have patterns based on family, life or relationship history, and these patterns may adversely affect their ability to find what they need in a partner. With self examination you can shift, grow and have the tools to change so you can succeed in finding true connections.
“The best advice we can give is to help someone break out of old self-destructive patterns. We try to figure out how we can help someone find a different path and be successful in a long-term relationship. We can present the best matches for our clients but if they are not open and ready, the relationship will never work.
7. Do you have a mantra or words you live by that have helped you through tough times, to keep going, and not give up? Or that you use today?
JULIE: Keep on trying – but if it’s not working, try something different.
SUSAN: Never give up – and bring that mantra to your work, your working out and your relationships.
8. Anything else we should have asked you about? Your secrets to success or advice you love to give others? Anything else you want to share?
JULIE: “We are all flawed individuals and Susan and I both have our own challenges and struggles, so we never judge. Everyone has a story and a past that shapes them and we are here to support and assist to the best of our ability. We have seen and coached so many individuals that we understand the steps it takes to have a healthy and satisfying relationship, and we want that for all our clients too.
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