Don’t twist yourself into a pretzel to be attractive to a date, even if you think that is a version of yourself you are enjoying being at the moment. The real, authentic you is going to show up one day, and that will be the end of your relationship. This is one of the few pieces of dating advice I am sure of: If you act fake or contort yourself to be more likable, the true you will come out in the end. You need to jump off that balancing beam, and strike ahead as the person you truly are.
Quotes sometimes trigger memories that are painful or learning moments. That’s what happened to me when I read Hoda Kotb talking about her latest date, and how she has just started to step out after two years since being in a longterm relationship. In that eight year connection, she says she was a pleaser. Now she wants to be her true self.
Hoda told Drew Barrymore and and cohost Ross Mathews: “If he was happy, then I would be happy. I want[ed] him to be [happy]. … I wasn’t myself.” So many of us can relate. I was in a relationship long ago, before the one that ended up being the guy I married, and I remember subjugating my real opinions, my intelligence and my independence all to be the “right” partner, one who didn’t ruffle feathers or act like my true self.
In my version of being a pleaser, I was frustrated, felt disconnected and under-appreciated. It didn’t last, thank goodness, since if it had, the real me would have showed up at some point, and if he were not into that version of me, we would have split up later. Sooner was better.
I remember wanting to break up with the person who liked a version of me that I didn’t like, for months, even years before we actually broke it off. It was the the real me, the inner monologue, that was telling me to call it. The real me was trying to come out, and finally when she did, I felt a sense of relief, like I had decided that the more important relationship was with that authentic me.
Remember the last quote of SaTC? Carrie writes about what has gone wrong with her relationships, and what she is looking for, or what we should be looking for:
“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” So start with that. Don’t “evolve” to that. Be that person and challenge your dates to like the real you from the first date.
Dating became a test
I vowed never to put the real me in a box again. So dating became a test of sorts. On date one, I would be so much to handle, sometimes swearing more than I normally do, or acting more feminist than I really am (after all I ended up taking my husband’s name, mostly to have the same name as my children). I had a 11 inch long scar on my knee, and I did nothing to hide it. But that meant the ones who didn’t run for cover and stuck around would make it past the first date, to dates two and three. Okay so only one guy stuck around. He is still around.
Being authentic is a much quicker way to filter out the wrong candidates and keep moving forward with the right one. In just week after first going on a date with my future husband I moved in. We didn’t get married for years but we knew we were staying together. That was 38 years ago.
What to do if it isn’t right
Back to Hoda on the Drew show. She says she calls it off before it can start.
“And now, I’ve gotten to a point where if the date’s not for me, and it’s OK, I’ll say, ‘Oh, my God. This was so much fun. You’re a really nice guy.’ Like, I don’t mind being myself and being confident and knowing what I want. I’m not twisting myself in a pretzel to make everybody feel good all the time because I’ve done that for most of my life, and it was exhausting.”
No pretzels. Exhausting. We can relate.
When you are spending time cued in on someone else’s feelings, you worry that when they are in a bad mood or feeling tense, you might have something to do with it, when in all likelihood it has nothing to do with you or your behavior. Meanwhile you may be able to distract the person and help give them a laugh of lovely dinner or something enjoyable to think about, but you are making it your job to make others happy, and in fact thatis their job.
Only you can make yourself happy and only the other person can make themselves happy. The optimal scenario is when both partners bring their best selves to the table or the livingroom or bedroom.
We want to fix things, including people.
In many cases women see themselves as the one who can “make everything better” and while we have the power to impact the mood and joy in our homes, by being cheerful and steady keeled, we are not taking care of ourselves in cases where we attach blame to ourselves for someone else’s mood, whether it’s a partner or a child or a parent, sibling or a friend.
When you learn to let go of all that responsibility and just be responsible fo your own happiness you start to feel lighter, better, less stressed, able to breathe easier and feel free of those burdens.
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