A relationship can need work and still go the distance. Your honey can annoy the heck out of you but still be the right partner for you. So, if there are bumps on the road (or warts on the toad), how do you know if this person (who you love and feel tied to) is THE one? Or will your differences eventually become too wide a gulf to cross? If he or she is NOT the one, then you would be best to run now – in the hopes of finding your match later.
No one is perfect, not even you (sorry) so if your SO has things that bug you, like never cleaning up or insisting you split the check every time, that alone does not disqualify him from being the one. Neither does arguing, disagreeing or fighting, so long as it’s done respectfully, in the context of reaching a new understanding of how to act toward one another to be kinder and more considerate. If you reach a new understanding (such as better housekeeping or more equitable financial arrangements) a heated discussion can actually be productive.
Here’s how to know whether you should you stay (and put in the effort to make things work) or you should go (because ultimately you think the flaws are fatal).
There is actually an easy way to figure out if you need to put up with some issues or take off and move on – and find the match you always dreamt of. (First of all it can be a he or she or they, but for the sake of this writing I am using the male pronoun – you can use whichever one you want)
One major red flag: If he is a “my way or the highway” kind of guy. If that is happening to you, then ask yourself what YOU are doing to propagate the behavior. Every pattern takes two people to participate. If you are playing the role of “pleaser” you have no one to blame but yourself. More on that to come.
Even Your Best Friend Can Drive You Crazy At times
So if a ring is in your future, should you accept it or will it become a handcuff? The simple answer is: Marry your best friend, is both accurate and a little too simplistic. Of course you should want to spend time talking and sharing all the little things with this person, but you have a lot of friends and you aren’t marrying them. So what’s the difference between your friends and your life partner?
When you find someone who you think is the one but still have some things to work out, you need to imagine that you can livev with those little annoyances and want to be with this person through thick and thin because they feel like home.
Marry the person who makes you feel like your emotional home. Another way to think about it for me is: Marry the person who brings out the best in you. Marry the someone who makes YOU feel like a better version of yourself. It may sound self-centered but it’s not. That’s because they see the side of you that you want the world to see. Your life partner should see your potential, your hidden talents and appreciates your thoughtful insights or ideas.
He (or she, but for the sake of this writing I am using the male pronoun – you can use whichever one you want) should be willing to bet on you, believe in you, and support your dreams. You want to be with the person who loves the version of you that you love. So if you are someone with creative or professional ambitions, embrace those dreams and choose to be with the person who wants to see you attain your life goals. Of course the reciprocal is also true. You want to be with the person you can be there for, and support through thick and thin.
All well and good … you may be living with someone or dating someone who you think could be the one, and yet there are nagging doubts and they continue to claw at you. If he were willing to change you could take the plunge. But people don’t usually change, and you may find that as you get more comfortable with each other the bad behavior (or whatever you want to call it) gets worse.
The seeds of uncertainty may continue to grow over time into a huge vine of regret. As you get into year two, or three and people are expecting him to put a ring on it or you to get hitched, the pressure mounts. So does the feeling that you may be ignoring signs that this is not your match. What if today’s controlling tendencies or secretive side doesn’t get better but worse? What if you need to break up but you are worried that instead if he pops the question you have no choice but to say yes, since that’s what everyone expects you to do?
Don’t say yes if things feel wrong. If it feels forced or fake or the idea of a ring is fretful. Someday you’re going to want to run. And by then it could be too late.
What Are Some Warning Signs He is NOT the One?
We could list all of the things that can feel wrong and should not be ignored. He may havev cheated. He may be yielding financial power over you (Tama Janowitz wrote Slaves of New York back in 1986 about women who live with men because they can’t afford to rent an apartment or move out on their own meager salaries). Financial power is a real weapon and one way to have your own independence, even in a loving relationship, is to earn your own money.
How to combat the controlling nature of inequity in a relationship? Have your own money. That way you are able to determine your own destiny, something women have yearned for and earned. (For a reminder, just watch Bridgerton.) With your own savings or salary, you never feel the “my way or the highway” trap of a controlling, wealthier, more financially powerful spouse, who may not have the same ideas of happiness you do. (He likes to golf, you like the beach, but if he is paying, you’re going to be swinging a nine iron on Saturday morning.)
Back to how do you know if the person you are with is the one? You can love and respect each other and still have thoughts that there may be issues to resolve. Here is the best way to suss that out, and determine if you can live with their picadelos.
Use the Relationship Equation
I first wrote about the relationship equation in the book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness with Catherine Birndorf, MD. She is a brilliant women’s issues specialist, who works with patients on issues surrounding fertility, parenting and relationships (of all kinds). Catherine explained it as the best way to understand and improve any relationship. See what you think. Here we can use it to decide if someone is THE ONE, or definitely NOT THE ONE or perhaps MAYBE THE ONE (depending on how the equation works out when you apply it).
People Never Change, Unless They Want To
You’re hoping your honey will change. But that may not happen. If you see something alarming, like the balance of power in relationships is off, that should be a warning sign.
Things can shift with money, success, children or health issues. But the bottom line is that your partner will never change, unless they want to. You can change how you interact with that person, and that will change the relationship. So you have to decide if you can work with what you’re hearing now (he doesn’t want kids, or he wants to move to a certain city, or doesn’t want you to work, etc.) and not hope that he will change. People don’t change unless they decide to. Assume no amount of cajoling will make a messy person decide to be neat. They have to want to clean up because it’s important to you.
Here is how the relationship equation works. Basically it is simple math:
A+B=C
You are A (first input), the other person is B (second input), C is the relationship.
B can be your boyfriend, your Mom or your boss – or anyone. You can’t change your Mom, if she is driving you crazy, but you can change your reaction to your Mom. Same holds true for all relationships.
You can’t necessarily change the other person (people who try just get frustrated), but you can change your actions, feelings, behavior or the mount of emotional energy you give something. If you change how you react or feel in any situation, then C (the relationship) changes. Try it.
How it works: Saying what you need to be happy and asking someone to hear you is valid. If you speak up for yourself and say that you really need find a way to spend weekends by the shore in order to be restored and feel ready for the workweek ahead, and your honey categorically shuts that down because he only wants to go to play golf, then this merits more conversation.Assuming you can budget your funds either to a rental near the beach or a golf outing, but not both, someone is going to be disappointed. Why should it always be you?
Is this going to be a deal breaker? You need to make that decision for yourself. But one thing is certain: If he shuts down your feelings as less valid than his, then he is not listening or making attempts to make you happy. That may be a much bigger deal than the details of where to spend your scarce days off.
If you express yourself and say what you want and the person isn’t reacting well or listening or trying to compromise or find a way to make you happy, then B cares more about controlling you or controlling the outcome.
In his view of the relationship, he is A and you are B and since he can’t change B (one can only change A), he needs to decide if he can validate your feelings and work to make you happy by spending some days at the beach. If he doesn’t want to make you happy, it’s a red flag.
How many Shrinks Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?
This is a trick question. Answer: None. The lightbulb has to want to change. So your significant other, once you express yourself and your feelings about the big decisions like where to live, whether to have kids, how to spend, save or invest your money. If he isn’t listening or appears to dismiss your feelings as less important than his, these are all flags. Whether you can live with that is up to you.
Your loved one has to want to make you happy or this isn’t going to work long term. Your significant other can decide whether trying to make you happy is a priority. You also try to make your future spouse happy. It goes both ways.
Before you put a ring on it, think of this: If you are feeling controlled, locked up, not respected, undermined or not heard or if this person doesn’t treat you with respect, then don’t walk but run. A ring is not a handcuff. It should not feel like he is checking a box on his to do list. “Make a million by 30.” or in this case, “Get married by 35.” It’s a promise to try to make you happy for the rest of your life!
Some red flags:
Basic respect is being disregarded. He is secretive, controlling, abusive, dismissive, or mocks your expression of emotion. If he shows contempt, a lack of respect or shuts down during disagreements or treats your feelings as lesser than his, then run.
Fights happen, and bad things can crop up (the return of an ex, or a difference of religion, politics or where to live). But if you are sensing he wants to work things out and is willing to listen and compromise, honor your feelings, and make things right, then there may be a way to move forward, even after a fight or upsetting event. But all too often, women put their own feelings second. That has to stop. If he isn’t willing to put your happiness first, then someone has to. Make that person you.
Bottom Line:
Your feelings are valid. Don’t sweep them under the rug or kick them down the road. Express yourself and don’t just try to be a pleaser. Some day you will wake u and be honest about what you truly want in life. For some women that means saying you do want kids (if he says he doesn’t). Don’t just hope he will change his mind!)
For me way back when I was in my 20s, it meant telling any prospective dates that I intended to work, have a career, earn my own paycheck and raise kids as a working mom. I saw what happened when my parents had inequity in the relationship and that didn’t work out. Equal status was my must have. Not being treated as an equal in a relationship was my deal breaker.
Think about what is important to you, or what you want, before you get married, since that decision will impact the rest of your life. Whatever you want, it is valid.
So make tour choice and choose a partner who respects your view of your future. The point is we need to be able to make our choices for ourselves. Marry that person. If they want to help you be your best self, then he/she is the one.
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