What’s More Important than Being Right? Being Connected. Walk the Dog!

I used to say that dog walking has kept my marriage alive. I actually meant it. Okay, that ritual, plus some really great underlying love, friendship and common values, parallel goals and a lot of mutual respect.

But as for walking the dog, when we adopted a mutt (Jenny) and walked her every evening for most of the kids’ grade school years, when I was working long hours at a high-pressured magazine job, just taking those 20 to 30 minutes at the end of the day together to download and relax with my husband allowed us to share our day and move the narrative forward. It’s much easier to explain why a conversation with Bob or Tom matters, if your spouse is already up to speed on what came before.

Now Jenny is hunting squirrels in the clouds and we walk Bonnie, the big white Maremma Sheepdog, who we adore nearly as much as any of our children. I still believe that spending this quality time, night after night, is critical to the success of our marriage (now going into our 33d year), since during those evening walks (and now also early morning ones when we go out together before the workday begins) my husband and I can hear about what is going on with the other one’s work life, emotional life, and specific interactions we may have had in the past 24 hours with our extended family and friends. 

Being right is overrated. Here’s what matters more

Recently I looked back at how our communication has evolved to the point where we rarely ever fight. I often think of the one thing I learned long ago that I still use on a daily basis: “Being right isn’t as important as being connected.” You might think winning every argument or calling out every transgression is important. Not at all. 

Being right is overrated. Being connected is what matters. In practice, this means that when your spouse or honey says something you disagree with you don’t have to jump on it or react, before thinking through your response: Is this correction important to me? What are his points or his statement that is rankling me? How much do I need to correct him? Sometimes, if it’s a big deal to me, I immediately tell him why I got upset by what he just said. But otherwise, I let it sit first and consider my feelings before I try to explain them.

If the statement upsets me or flies in the face of my personal values I express it. If not, I’ll think: I could jump in and correct him, or make my point as a counterbalance. But ulttimately I know that I value the connection more than the need to be right. I may even choose to let it slide, at least for the moment, thinking: “Let’s not make this walk unpleasant. Let’s just listen to each other.”

When it’s important to me, I will say: “I disagree with that.” Or, “Here’s why I feel differently than what you’re saying.” Remeber this: No matter what the fact check may say, when you have time to check the facts, your feelings are valid. You need to express them when the person (a spouse or sibling or close friend) creates a situation that makes you feel like if you don’t say something you are complicit with their words or actions.

But if you approach your walks and talks as opportunities to check in, listen and offer your thoughts when needed, then the glue sticks and the connection gets stronger. I honestly can’t remember where I first read this about being right vs. being connected. When I searched for where this came from, I found Dr. Anthony Ferraioli, author of Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First). Kudos to him, and though I have not read the book, I plan to!

Valuing the Connection Works in Business

I have used it in business (I recall specifically when there were a question about  whether a commission was due for a sponsorship sale and my company’s salesperson felt that since she contributed to the dialogue around the deal, she should be paid in full, even though I felt that I landed the deal. Instead of trying to explain why I thought she should get a partial commission, I paid it in full. My thought process: I value this person and her motivation more than the small sum that I would gain by  winning a few points back, so I am not going to try to negotiate with her on this.)

In my personal life, the small disagreements or differences of opinion are not worth fighting over. In most cases, the connection is way, way more important to me than being right. I use it with grown children, my sibling, my friends and my colleagues.

Bottom Line: You don’t need to score points, be right, or win every argument. Communicate your values, your valid emotionals, your thoughtful reactions. But ultimately, being connected is more important than being right. Help the other person see your point of view, and keep the glue nice and strong. And remember that when it’s time to walk the dog, do it together. You’ll be glad you did.

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