This week I spoke with three friends who told me they were anxious that their kids were not finding happiness in their current pursuits. Some are young, in grade school, who don’t appear to have a passion for team sports, while others are high schoolers more in love with art and creating murals than in the typical school subjects. Still others are happy spending more time in front of a screen than in the room with humans. And still others are not sure where their career path is leading, but are miserable in their current job situation.
The saying goes: You’re only as happy as your least happy child. I agree with that. So when a child is struggling to figure out their way forward, it can be gut wrenching for a parent, who feels helpless to remedy the situation. But maybe you can be less miserable knowing that they are finding their way, connecting the dots, and it will all make sense later.
Whether the unhappiness is from being miserable at school, organized sports, or at work, not having a plan or not executing on a clear plan, when something you expected to be the conventional way forward is not working for them, it creates anxiety for the parents, which only makes matters worse.
To that parent I say: Watch Steve Jobs’ Stanford graduation speech and understand that they are “connecting the dots.” They just don’t know it yet. You can only see the dots connected from later, down the road, when lots of dots are laid out to create a graph or successful path. The first few dots are a mystery. Just be patient. The path will reveal itself and make sense later.
You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.
– Steve Jobs
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future….” Jobs states. “Because believing that the dots will connect in the future will give you the guts to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path.”
For him the calligraphy class he took after he dropped out of Reed College made him understand, many years later when designing the first apple PC, that you didn’t have to use boring fonts. You could make a computer with fonts that are beautiful, friendly and emotionally pleasing.
Whereas other computers had boxy techno designs, apple debuted with a look and feel that was more human and easier to communicate with. Jobs says that without dropping out and learning other unlikely subjects like calligraphy, he never could have created the uniquely popular products that he eventually would become famous for.
Forging their Own Paths is a Creative Way Forward
Zigging and zagging was the way forward, for my kids, and when they wanted to quit things that were painful, other than making them complete the season or the class (no quitters allowed since that is its own trap) we moved on. I kept exposing them to more and different types of experiences, including karate, rock climbing, ballet, acting, skate boarding, sailing or paddling canoes at a wilderness camp. Each of them found a passion and in sports it was never the “big four” team sports of football, baseball, hockey or basketball, though they tried versions of them all (my daughter softball).
A friend tells me her ten-year-old youngster isn’t loving sports but he loves the solo enjoyment of biking, which I pointed out is a sport, and in Europe schools even have bike teams or triathlon teams. He enjoys being outdoors, not in gyms with tons of other kids. Maybe he will end up being an amazing outdoorsman, a triathlete or rower (since it’s a quiet sport of intense exertion, not a typical team). Being in nature, exerting himself is what makes him happy. So many activities allow this, including skiing and snowboarding, running and swimming. You don’t have to like ball sports or contact sports to be a gifted athlete.
Another young person is happiest at a keyboard, alone in his room, interacting interacting with other gamers he will never meet. Still another is an avid reader, an intense scholar of American History who knows not only the Presidents but who they ran against, going back to the beginning of the Republic. He can identify all of the Constitutional Amendments by name and number. His future and that of these other individuals is not clear and parenting an outlier can be stressful. I guarantee they will each be interesting adults who are successful, happy and productive, if given the chance.
Let your kids try anything and everything. Let them lead.
All I know is that offering options and exposing them to lots of choices has been a strategy that worked for me and for my kids. If they hated a league sport or were getting bullied for not being aces at it, we tried something new.
We spent time at the Karate studio, or the skating rink, and I eventually suggested (when they got to high school) going out for the rowing team. They told me they were trying out for improv and theatre and even loved to sing and perform at coffee house gatherings in intimate settings. I never could figure out where they got these voices from. No one in my family could sing.
But as a parent, the wonder of “Who are these people?” gave way to, “I love these unique individuals who are so different from me and my husband, and each other.” Watching what came next, as opposed to trying to steer, was part of the fun, and my job was mostly to give them the chance to figure out what they liked, and then stay out of their way.
What’s my point? Rather than try to ordain who or what your kids will become, let them lead from their hearts and find their way. No one has illustrated this better than Steve Jobs, who had the benefit of looking back on how he “connected the dots” of all his various stops and starts, zigs and zags.
Listen to his now iconic speech to the Stanford graduating class of 2005. encourage your kids or anyone struggling with a path forward to take a listen. When you see your kid doing things you don’t understand, tell yourself, they are connecting the dots. I just can’t wait to see where it leads yet. Can’t wait.
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